1. I feel awkward and threatened by bright, charismatic high-achievers, and yet, slightly awed by their mot juste verbiage display. I can only be eloquent behind the firewall, with my fingers poised over the keyboard, pausing every few seconds to think, consulting the thesaurus and spell-checker at every turn.

2. I hate to be in the spotlight, even though by imitation and repetition, I’ve come to do well in it. I’d much rather be a wallflower, faded into the background, a poltergeist of sorts, the ears of walls.

But I’ve unlearnt the ability to haunt conversations, and instead I blend into the white noise, slightly aware that I’m talking, but not knowing the words I speak. I know I will forget the conversation, the names, the faces. And I only feel guilty about being apathetic about my apathy.

3. I wonder if it’s alright if I’m incapable of falling in love – the hard-striking descent that features so much in soap operas and tragic love stories. The closest thing to love I feel is a remote feeling of gentle affection, and the sound of a comfortable silence.

And if it’s not, then it’d surely be a hard habit to break – this monastic dreary solace wound intricately together like a ball of gossamer threads.

-------------------------------------

"I hate those I, I, I stories."





A tightly-wound tin soldier, clattering across the front lines with rickety steps. He stops without warning, exhausted to the last coil, but without a sweat. I wind him up again, watch his back disappear as I follow wearily behind, hoping we will find no man’s land this time.





Currently attempting to install the Wacom driver on school comp. Not sure whether it'll even be successful. But damn, school connection sucks.





An independent anime production by an animation student:


There's no subs, but the dialogue is minimal anyway. If you want the loose translation, here's what a commenter posted:

girl- ” um um… please go out with me!”
boy- ” sorry, I want to focus on baseball now”
girl-” Takashi is stupid!”
“Takashi !?”
” ILL MAKE MISO SOUP FOR YOU EVERYDAY!”
boy(takashi)-” sorry, I want to focus on baseball now”
END

This Ishida Hiroyasu guy is 21 years old, and obviously has a pantyshot fetish. But barring that, damn, the animation is real good.

Sometimes I wish I were an animation student too, but then again, I wish I were a veterinarian, a patisserie (though I can't cook well), an astronaut, a hikikomori, a cat, etc, too. To be honest, I don't quite mind flipping burgers for the rest of my life either, if I can draw in my free time.

But I digress.





M:
"Desire and dreams are odd things. Surprisingly, we are not necessary happier when we get what we want. Sometimes wanting alone sustains us - studies show that after a year, neither the paralytic nor the lottery millionaire are happier in regards to each other. Sometimes we are happier not getting the girl, but chasing the girl. However, when desire becomes obsession and we do not fulfill that want, we are left deeply dissatisfied. If that is so, I am content with merely velleity and a simple, austere life."

E:
"They say the poor man is happier than the rich man, but I don't think that's true at all. Happiness doesn't lie in poverty. After all, who would be happy not getting what they want? I say, if you want something, go get it! Why hesitate? Why procrastinate? Life is too short for us to agonize over such stupid things. Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse. I mean, why take life so seriously? Nobody comes out alive anyway. I don't want to die a sad and bitter old man, regretting about the things I have not done. I want to live every second of my life, as if I'd be dead the next second. So come on, Carpe Diem!"

S:
"I wonder if it's a bad thing to fall in love with pain, and hollowness and melancholy and awkwardness and ennui and longing and all that nasty feelings? Like the intrinsic phenomenon of teenage girls falling in love with bad boys knowing they would be hurt, or the act of self-harm for no particular reason. Is it a way to mask emptiness by seeking out the extreme? Perhaps, humans by nature are self-destructive. Neither the ascetic or the hedonist derives happiness from what they do, or don't do. Happiness, is ultimately, a state of mind...?"





"I'm at my happiest when I know I don't make sense, and yet I know you'd understand anyway."


"She thinks the greatest love is left unspoken, but I can't help it anyway, so I whisper 'I love you' whenever I think she's not looking."
"He thinks love should be proclaimed at the top of your lungs, but I can't help it, so instead I trace the words 'I love you' on his back whenever I think he's sleeping."



List of favorite things:

printed words on yellowed books
(because they are like precious thoughts entrapped in the fibers of paper)

tiny raindrops on window panes

kneading warm dough/ clay
(that don't stick to your hands)

the smell of fresh vanilla

the way some cats would follow you so close to your heels you would inadvertently trip over them if you're not careful

the way some cats would eye you suspiciously and run and hide behind a wall if you come too close

when you successfully sneak up on a cat from behind

masking your footsteps

when babies laugh

reading a good book in one sitting

holding your breath in shallow water

reading on the toilet

singing *loudly* while bathing

cold showers

bitter tea

lighting a matchstick

hugging your knees so close your heels touch your butt

laughing evilly to yourself for no apparent reason

movie marathons

drinking 1.5l of water at one go

drinking directly from a 1.5l bottle

eating a sashimi buffet

watching horror movies and trying to get a nightmare by rerunning it in your head

getting nightmares

getting very very bizarre dreams and being able to recollect it vividly

dreams in technicolor

dreaming in words

not sleeping for 24 hours

sleeping for 24 hours

cycling for 8 hours straight

screeching like a banshee, and getting praised for it

climbing a tall rock wall, or a tall fence
(idiots like high places)

biting people and letting people bite you
(eh, sadomasochism much?)

reading/ watching a really really tragic story/ soap

masticating (chewing gum, tough beef, or your own arm when in dire need)

binging on alcohol and not getting drunk

trying to read faster than you possibly can

just swinging a brush around and making random marks

deliberately breaking something

eating weird food (like snails and wasabi and raw prawns and crickets and so on)
(even if they taste nasty)

just typing on a keyboard/ piano thoughtlessly

being in love without falling in love





I'm happy to announce that the shower in my house broke.

Now, if only that means I can skip my baths...


Anyway, just for laughs - this video cracks me up:







Week 27-30: 12-3
Expressive Illustration
03-18/1

Week 31-34: 12-3, 3-6
Book Illustration
04-46
Publication Design
06-06/A

Week 37-40: 9-12, 12-3
Model-Making
01-19
Digital Illustration
04-24

Week 39&40: Saturday 9-11
Apel 2
LT 24

Week 41-48: 9-12
Integrated Project
04-21
Week 45-48: 12-2
Communicating Design Arguments
03-46





Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V from AMWC post:

This is what I do nowadays, between photoshop hangtimes and tea breaks:







Forgive the bad photography (and consequential photoshop overkill) - the battery died after I took the third photo.

tanhuitian deviantart
(In no particular order and contains broken links aplenty - watch your steps.)

evelyn
vic
lays
linda
yushan
karchian
liyi
seepeng
sarah
gladys
gwyneth
janice
tracy
sharon
emily
Baoer
Rekha
Eileena
Jiawen
Dalilah
Cherri
Yuqian
ShiokPing
Amanda
Connie
Marcus
HuiWen
Julia
Fiona
Gareth
Phoebe
Mylene

layout: detonatedlove
inspiration: wordpress